How to Change the way we Think: Negative thinking into Positive Thinking

"I can't, I am a  failure, I am not worthy, I am not attractive, No one will ever want me, I will never be successful, etc are just a handful of negative connotations we may have used to describe what we think about ourselves. If said repetitiously, it becomes a part of who we are as we believe these negative statements to be true. For example, a person may say "You'll never amount to anything." A negative thinker will agree and believe they will never amount to anything and that will be the end of it.  However, if we want to transition into positive thinking we must challenge this negative statement, and say " That is not true I do not see myself that way." You emphasized a point, but also deflected this external statement from becoming your reality. You are defending a negative thought and turning it into a positive thought. This further reinforces the thought not to be true, as you are in control of your thoughts, life and feelings; not other people.

When you say "I can't do it." Ask yourself this question, Why can't you do something if you never tried to do it? If we assume and think negative before even making a conscientious effort, then it will be programmed in our minds, it cannot be done. To break out of  the negative thinking habit, replace "I can't" with "I can do it," I will do it" give yourself the benefit of the doubt before you close the door before it actually opens. The more you say "I can do it" or " I will do it" on a daily basis with conviction where it just clicks and is meaningful to you, the negative thought of "I can't" will become a distant memory. Being able to quickly combat a negative with a positive is key to a healthier and better you! Changing who you want to be can be either a easy or difficult experience, but that is dependent on how you want it to be. If you want it to be difficult, no one does that but you! If you want it to be a seamless process, it CAN be done if you WANT it to be done.

As a person who is a habitual negative thinker, I had to learn how to combat my negative thoughts into positive thinking. For example, "today is going to be a bad day I just know it." How do I know it will be bad day? Why would it be a bad day? Asking realistic questions about what the negative thought is for that moment, places things in perspective to give better judgment. It would direct you to think and be more positive. I sometimes retract into the comfort zone of thinking negative, but once I realize how it impacts and makes me feel, and question what does thinking this way do for me, it brings me back to a more positive mind set once I address the negative thought and change it right away. It is not rocket science to think positive (I sometimes make it appear to be)The biggest challenge for me is, not to look for reasons to validate my negative thinking as a legitimate excuse. No one makes me think or be negative unless I allow myself to believe that they do.

To be a more positive thinker, it starts with you changing the way you view yourself and how you want to think going forward. If there is a moment where you feel down in the dumps, think of a moment which makes you smile to uplift your spirit. Motivate yourself by saying positive mantras repeatedly to start your day. For example: " I am somebody," I love my life," I am beautiful." I am only going to see what I want to see," "Today will be a great day, " etc positive words that is geared to change how you think, feel and see yourself. In  addition, examine and ask yourself questions. When you feel embattled about an issue such as " I don't like what that person said about me." ask yourself is it worth getting upset on what a person says about you? An opinion is just what it is, a thought on what a person feels. It doesn't mean to think negative at that moment, but rather shrug it off and say it is just an opinion, it doesn't define who I am, and move forward.

Staying on course to being a positive thinker is not easy! I know because I have been a habitual negative thinker for most of my life! But, learning the tools needed to being more positive is the way to a more productive and better you. When something bad happens, don't talk about it! Don't venture in, "you wouldn't believe what just happened.." and relive the "bad" moment to invoke negative thoughts. Rather, talk about what went well about your day. Address the negative thought quickly and channel it with a positive thought to diffuse a bad feeling. Write down your goals you wish to accomplish giving you a reason to be positive to look forward to something good. I like to write down my feelings on paper negative or positive to get out what I am feeling and see where I can improve. It is a learning curve we can all master and achieve only if YOU want it to happen!

The Purpose of Forgiveness

Forgiveness, is one of the most challenging things I find most difficult to do. If someone does wrong to me, I have the tendency to hold a long-lasting grudge until I feel I am ready to forgive. The act of forgiveness in itself, proves to be a trait that displays maturity, but also shows a person knowing what the power of forgiveness brings; inner peace and deleting useless baggage. Sometimes, in our subconscious minds we do not want to forgive because we interpret what was done as the greatest "sin"  not tolerant of forgiveness. There is that ill forsaken principle we often live by, I will forgive; but never forget. Is it fair to say to a person, I will forgive you, but never forget what you done! Did you really forgive that person? If we are going to hold accountable an action that was done, (past) but chose not to forget it; (future) what do we gain from doing this? We may just bring it up in a future argument which contradicts the notion of what forgiveness truly means. We can't have the best of both worlds unfortunately, but staying true to the initial plan is key.

I fall victim to the principle and have said it on several occasions and till this day, I can't honestly say what I gain from saying or doing this. The whole point of me forgiving a person is to accept what was done, move past it and let it go. But, if I choose never to forget; I am still not accepting what was done and chose to remember it just because. How ironic! Another challenge I face is forgiving my past. In order to live in the present, the past must be forgiven. All the "bad people" that surfaced in my life and what was done and what I have done, I have to forgive myself for it. I can't take back what happened and turn back the clock, but I can say I am not that person anymore and forgive my mistakes I made making peace with my past to move forward. I sometimes get a bit bitter when I think about moments I wish I could change and find myself in "the past mode." When I am in this mode, I start to feel angry and sad that I allowed the nonsense to happen and why did I do it. If I take all the time in the world to try and examine every single variable, I will drive myself nuts! The intent is not to re-live the past and bring up these emotions. Instead, if you said you forgive, let it be that way. So, as a learning mechanism, I always say "what's done is done"and cannot be changed.It is up to you on what you choose to fix and what you want to let go.

The biggest test I present to myself is to channel in my feelings into a more positive direction and not let my feelings dictate my thoughts and throw me in for a loop! Being the bigger person and showing an act of forgiveness is always a good thing. Especially, when someone dies and you wish you had forgiven that person or vice versa; you are stuck with this underlying guilt which you drag on and on. Never take on more than you carry! Always know that if you ask for forgiveness and make right with a person(s) before they die or after; you are releasing painful emotions you want to relinquish. Forgiveness is an act gearing you towards a more positive well-being taking away a burden you felt internally; healing you from the wounds you once suffered from. Wouldn't you prefer a clear conscience and a weight lifted knowing you forgiven someone?

 It is not to say everyone is a forgiving person and will forgive. There are some heinous things that may be despicable warranting no forgiveness, but keeping that begrudging feeling does more harm to yourself than good. Despite how bad something or someone is, holding onto baggage of pain and hurt is only making you feel the need to be a victim seeking self pity. You are only a victim if someone is maliciously doing something to you that is damaging to your own well-being. If it is not damaging and you have absolute CONTROL to change what is happening, you can definitely forgive a person for what has been done. The purpose of forgiveness is wanting to bury the hatchet and no longer WISH to carry feelings that keep us from moving ahead. Remember, the act of forgiveness is a CHOICE and not an OPTION. If you want to forgive someone today, do so with a willing heart less any corrupted intentions.The journey itself may be hard at first, but through practice and understanding what forgiveness means and what it can do, your life will be much more free of the burdens you held onto for years, giving you the inner peace and tranquility you truly deserve.

"Your happiness is key to leading a productive and healthy life."

The Importance of Self Worth

The purpose of this blog is to discuss women who struggle to value their self-worth and possess low self-esteem allowing sociopaths to rule their domain. 

We live in a world where status and image is the main attraction. We thrive to be like the idols we see on T.V., on billboards, magazines etc. But, never once think that being original or true to ourselves is worth any value. Yes, we gain knowledge and ideas by learning from others, but it should not take away from who we are to become and be. If we don't look like the idols we see or like others, the tendency of developing a poor self-image of oneself becomes who we are. The drastic measures we take to look different through expensive means, is the price worth it? Is there any benefit? The attention received is the thrill seek we journey, but is it all that is needed to be happy, appreciated and loved?

We as women need to know our self-worth first, build confidence and appreciate the good and bad of oneself before stepping into any relationship. Without knowing our self-worth and having confidence, we enter a relationship blindly; believing a sociopaths lies, fake compliments and actions shown to be genuine which only serves to feed on low self-esteem and building their egos. Why demoralize our character and make excuses for someone who takes only an interest in themselves and not you? Ask yourself this question, as I know the answer will be formulated with far-fetched truths to circumvent from actual reality. We as women owe it to ourselves to understand we deserve the best and not just settle on what we  believe is better than the last. Our ambitions must be aimed higher, and not at a slight angle. Why deprive ourselves of happiness and deal with the everyday bullshit that we often complain about, but do nothing to remedy it?

I speak from experience, I was once that woman who allowed a sociopath to rule my domain. I did not know my self-worth, I had low self-esteem and felt compelled to stay with a self-interested man who cared for himself and not me. I believed and fell for the lies, believing the likes of "You're beautiful," or "I love you," because the words sound like music to my ears and because I viewed myself negatively, this made me feel whole. Sometimes, it is our own naivete where we are oblivious to what we should not be in, but not until it is all over you want to slap yourself in the face for being committed to such fraud. I learned that I need to be comfortable with me first, before anything. Also, it is important to know what you want in a person and find it! Never settle because you are tired of looking and jump into desperation mode, as this is causes more harm than good. 

I think about the women  I know to be smart and have a big bright future. But, they settle for toxic waste hazardous to their well-being bringing forth no productivity. They dismiss their family who speak out and want the best for them, but in their fanatical minds they believe they hit the jackpot. Value yourself and not settle for less. Don't pick up baggage that was left over and reclaim it as a prized gem. Think smart, be smart and choose smart. If I had done this sooner, a lot of things that happened, wouldn't. That is the thing about life, it is full of mysteries and surprises. It will be good or bad. But, we must not change ourselves to be with someone. This should let you know automatically, he has a fantasy of what he wants and you are the guinea pig for experiment. Does not mean love. Just someone who sees you as such for the moment.

The Journey to Success: Never Give Up

In life, we often find ourselves at the crossroads reflecting on failures, relationships, marriage and dreams. We tend to think, in our failures there is no success to be achieved. It is with this negative thought, we remain haunted by our mistakes never to learn from them. We choose instead to give up becoming bitter and angry at life, refusing to pull the reins and take control. Life is a journey, not a destination. There will be trying times that will test our patience. But, it is through these trying times we must learn to continue the journey of greatness. If we remain at a standstill, stuck at a destination never to progress; then life will seem stagnant and unfulfilled. It is within our control to take failures and turn them into positives. Always see life through this perspective: As long as there is life, there is potential. When there is potential there will be success. Never give up hope. Keep pushing forward.

I will like to share this story. I am 28 years old and is starting to doubt my  future. I am doubtful if I will ever graduate and obtain a Master's degree (finally), have a career, get out of debt and get married. I held onto past failures (still do) and through my journey on  attempting to fulfill these goals, I gave up never to try again. The negative thoughts became my life line and I built myself on them. I kept setting up unrealistic goals, becoming frustrated and conflicted on what my true niche will be. I had no foundation. Just a blank canvas that needed an idea. Time became more of a focus as I grew impatient when things took to long to happen and lost all ambition to keep things going. One friend said to me, your still young; you have time. I think of her as a second mother who has attain success, but is pushing me to follow suit. I think of this analogy, when you try on various different pairs of shoes; you are looking for the perfect pair that is most comfortable. In life, you will go through different pair of shoes, until you finally find one that fits and is comfortable. You will go through different channels, gain experience along the way, but it is through these channels you learn what life has to offer. 

The lesson I learn is, failure is never a bad thing. It is a stepping stone towards self improvement. It is what we use to become better individuals. If I give up, I am being a coward and settling for what shouldn't be. If I want to achieve success, I have to believe success exist. I can't sit back and let it happen. Through hard-work and commitment, anything is possible. If you fail once, twice, three times doesn't mean you will continue to fail. If one thing is not working, move on to something that does. The more you move forward without stopping to think on failure, the more successful you will be. Life is always full of potential. It is your journey in finding it.

“Don't give up because things are hard, but work harder, when you think of giving up.” - Anthony Liccione.

Gone, But Never Forgotten: Tribute to Dad

October 2, 2013 will be a day I will never forget. It was the day my father passed away at the age of 61 from cardiopulmonary arrest as a result of end stage renal disease and hypertension. The phone calls from the doctor received while at work, telling me my father heart stopped, sent shock waves throughout my whole entire body. I felt relieved when the doctor said he was revived, but when asked to rush to the hospital and be there; compelled me to ask this question: Is my father dying? The only answer given, he is in critical condition and very sick. When arriving at the hospital, I did not know what to expect. The security guard was at the door, telling my sister and I, you are not allowed in as a team of doctors crowd my fathers room at the Critical Care Unit. We waited in the waiting room, as a doctor greeted us with a grim look on her face. "Your father is not doing so good. His heart stops every 15 minutes as we are giving him medication to restart his heart and resuscitating him." Dad's heart stopped three times, but when I  heard over the loud speaker "Code 99" I said to myself, please don't let this be daddy. His heart stopped for a fourth time, as a doctor came in the waiting room and said; "I know your father, he is a very sick man. Do you want us to continue pressing hard on his chest, crushing his ribs? His heart stops every 15 minutes. You may want to sign a DNR (Do not resuscitate)." I looked at my sister, her eyes welled with tears, "He is suffering, sign the papers. He went through enough." When the papers were signed, they remove all medications given, we went in to see him in his room. My sister and I cried as dad was still and looked peaceful. I was in denial, I shook his head begging for him to talk to me. His chest heaving up and down, by a ventilator, the doctor came in our presence, using her stethoscope sound his heart not a single heart beat, turn to the machine where his vitals were monitored; his blood pressure read" XX/XXX" no longer a pulse, as he was pronounced dead, at 1:31 P.M.  I lost a father, a best friend and mentor. I said to myself, where do I go from here.

My Tribute to Dad

I shed many tears, had many sleepless nights as the passing of my father proved to be too much to bear. But, with each minute, hour, and each passing day, it becomes easier. We had our ups and downs, but it was fate that brought us closer together and a bond never to be broken. I thank God everyday, I made peace with him, and we were not at war. I thank God for dad being a provider and protector for the family. I thank God for blessing me with having you as my father. You were a man of great strength and character. A man who will give his last dollar to those in need. Your fighting spirit is inspiring as I think back at the many brushes you had with death, through God's mercy you survived, like a cat with nine lives. Through all your ailments, you lived life the way you wanted. You lived life according to your standards, and not through the eyes of others. I will never forget what you will always tell me, "I don't live my life for people. Who are people?" I didn't realize what this meant, but as I got older it made sense. 

Your wisdom and actions as a father showed you cared for me and my sister and wanted to protect us from the "bad" people in the world. I realize now, when you shared your opinion on the men I dated in the past and how they were "a waste of time," I never listened, but in the end you were right. I will miss talking to you, laughing with you, hearing your distinct laugh, the smell of your cologne as you are the missing piece of the puzzle no longer here. It pained me to see your health declined and the pain you endured day and night. The cries every night, I wish to God that there was a way I could ease it, to see that you were comfortable. I know you hated how I "babied" you, but I love you and wanted to care for you the best way I could. You hated when I cry, and would say " What you crying for.?" The nurse at the hospital would say to me, "Your dad says don't let the oldest one see me like this, she will cry." As your oldest daughter, I did cry, despite you not liking me to shed tears. 

I will remember being with you in the Emergency room on June 1st, on your birthday as I said to you, you lived to see this day. That was a special moment (not opportune) but he made it. I think about you in the Critical Care Unit, when you had the oxygen mask on, and as a man who loved to play numbers, you said I want you to buy me " 10 take five tickets." To confirm, he was always feisty and said to me " How can you be so daft." I said okay, dad I will buy them. I never purchase those tickets, as those were the last words he would ever say to me. I will hold on to the precious memories you left. I think back as a child, you teaching me how to pray, the importance of reading the bible and the value of working hard and being responsible. These are memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. You worked hard for over 30 years and did so until your illness in 2001 forced you to retire. You lived a fulfilled life, your way until the very end. I didn't want to believe you when you predicted your fate of not making it for the rest of the year. I said, "Dad, your a man of God have faith." Maybe, he didn't want to scare me and had a vision his time was near. 

When dad mouthed on his hospital bed "I am dying." I said, "did you say you were dying?". He nod his head and said yes. I refused to believe this, but after he passed away; I realized dad accepted his death and wanted me to know this and not to worry. He passed away peacefully, as I think of the pain he endured. No more dialysis. No more suffering. He is in a place where he can rest comfortably and in peace with God. I should not think selfishly, but positively that he no longer is in a toxic body full of ailments. I feel his presence and know he is watching over us. I find great peace talking to dad and letting him know, not a day that doesn't go by he is not missed. I know he would want us to move forward with our lives and be strong for him. This is not a good bye, but a see you later. Dad, we will meet again. Gone too soon, but never to be forgotten. I love you. May your soul rest in peace.